Mat’s Hemingway-inspired DIY Flooring

When you first met guest posters Mat and Guerrin, we talked about how Mat’s former apartment made the cover of Apartment Therapy’s Big Book of Small, Cool Spaces (see it here). Mat has since moved to Brooklyn and is now transforming another unsuspecting rental--this time with a Hemingway-esque feel, starting with the floors. Oh, the magical floors! Read it and weep. Gorgeous, ya'll.

Guerrin: Mat, where the heck have you been? I’ve been calling you for two days and nobody has been able to get in touch with you. What gives??

Mat: Parallelograms...Parallelograms.

G: What the...your eyes are bloodshot and you’re a complete mess. You like a candidate for A&E’s "Intervention." Mat...are you high right now?

M: Did anyone see you?

G: Well, just your landlord downstairs...

M: Get in, QUICK!

G: Are you in some kind of trouble? Oof, these fumes...hey, these floors. You painted ‘em. They look incred!

M: Thanks, I’ve been at it all night. It’s the first step in my apartment’s Ernest Hemingway transformation. I’m beginning from the bottom up. You see, as Hemingway was an adventurer in life and his writing, I too will be an adventurer...but in home decor!

G: Why don’t you just have a seat. I’m gonna make you some coffee.

M: Ok, but we have to keep our voices down, if the landlord finds out, it’s eviction city, toot sweet. So you remember what my floors looked like before, right?

G: You mean, where parquet came to die?

M: Precisely. Hemingway never would have tolerated such a floor. In fact, he probably would have ripped them up by hand in a drunken tirade. So, I was down in the Keys on my family’s annual fishing trip and visited his Key West home.



M: I was completely entranced with the detailed, colorful tiles throughout the house. My favorite were these bright yellow, deco tiles in the kitchen and bathroom. Also these hand-painted yellow and red tiles around pool.

M: I knew I wanted to do something bold like this in my great room--the only room in my apartment whose floors got beaten by the ugly stick. And remember when we were at the Standard Grill last weekend...

G: How could I forget? Those oysters, that Pims cup, the gorgeous old-world interior...oh, and those patterned tiles!

M: It’s exactly as I imagined Café Select or one of the many other fabulous bars and restaurants would look like that Jake and Lady Ashley bop around to in The Sun Also Rises. And this discovery! It was too good to be true!

G: Lord, have mercy. Mat, sit down and speak slowly. How did you do this?

M: (Speaking very quickly) So in this pattern there are three colors--I wanted to stick with vibrant yellow and brick combo I saw in Key West, and I decided to leave the parquet as the third “color” to add some additional texture and increase the wow-factor. The first step was to cut out the diamond shapes out of contact paper and stick them to the floor, using the existing tiles as a guide. For my project, I used approximately 82 diamonds.

G: Sheesh. Your poor fingers must have been blistering from peeling all those little shapes. Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve helped you!

M: Because it hurt so good! The next step was to prime the entire floor, two coats. And then go over the whole floor with gold paint, two coats.

G: Waiting for four coats of paint to dry? All I imagine is you sitting atop a pile of furniture in your bedroom, feverishly reading The Old Man and the Sea and drinking heavily.

M: You know me too well. Once the gold paint dried, I taped out the brick colored parallelograms and painted each one. Individually. By hand. Two coats.

G: Ok, this project is officially a D.I.CRY.

M: After the paint dried, I carefully removed all the contact paper and painters tape. Because the parquet was showing through, and I wanted to make sure the paint didn’t chip away over time, I applied a couple of coats of low-lustre sealant.

G: I can’t believe you did this project in one night! That explains the strange message you left at 5am asking me to come by and make sure you are still breathing.

M: Yeah, the fumes were crazy, but the floor turned out great! And right when I was finished there was a knock at the door. And who was on the other side? Hemingway himself! And he brought friends along--Martin Van Buren and Tupac Shakur! And we all played twister and ate Totinos Pizza Rolls!

G: Wow. We gotta get you out of here and get you some air, Crazytown. Come on, there’s a new cocktail at The Counting Room. From what I’ve heard, it’s a variation on a classic Hemingway daiquiri. You’ll love it.

M: Ok. (Calling into the other room) Tupac, I’m going out so hold down the fort! And keep Ernest out of the liquor cabinet!

Delicious Vanishing Sun Cocktail from Maksym Pazuniak

from The Counting Room in Williamsburg, Brooklyn

1.5 oz Clement Rhum Agricole

0.75 oz lime

0.75 oz grapefruit

0.50 oz honey syrup (1:1 honey:water formula)

0.25 oz maraschino liqueur

4 - 6 mint leaves

1 dash Angostura bitters

1 dash Regan's orange bitters

Shake everything and strain into a coupe – no garnish.

Among other fantastical projects, best friends Mat Sanders and Guerrin Gardner have appeared as Sandy the Dandy and Charlie McGee, which was a critics’ pick in Time Out New York, The Onion, and NYTheatre.com. They’re currently developing a multitude of new comedic ventures, including a monthly comedy variety show and a live-action, highly stylized version of the Dick Van Dyke Show. See more of their work at toomuchery.com.

DIY-ing with Mat & Guerrin

Two of my favorite guest post-ers are back from a vacay in Spain and feelin' inspired. Here, Guerrin and Mat show us how to do up our terraces with a fabulous hanging flower pot project. (Gracias, ya'll.)



Guerrin: What’s the worst part about coming home from vacation?

Mat: Coming home from vacation.

G: Ah, the memories...the beaches of Sitges, the sun and sand--me in my bikini and, Mat, you in yours.

M: I thought that man-kini was a good idea until those Spanish children started heckling me on the beach. Is nowhere safe?

G: For safety purposes, just keep your clothes on for this one.

M: No promises.

G: So let’s get started with our hanging flower pot project--the first step of my terrace makeover...inspired by the colorful seaside homes we saw in Sitges!



M: We’re not starting anything until you throw on that vintage muu muu you overpaid for in Barcelona.

G: Ah yes! The newest addition to my extensive muu muu collection! How could I forget! (Running out of the room with hands in the air.)

M: I’ll get the wine.

What You’ll Need:

• 5 small-medium terracotta pots


• 5 bright potted flowers


• potting soil


• 20 gauge craft wire


• wire cutters


• white gloss spray paint


• acrylic paint (colors of your choice)


• paint brushes

For Added Fun:

• Two bottles of cava. One on hand. One on ice.


• Inappropriate vacation attire


• High-energy summer playlist

(You can borrow ours if you like):

• Let's Go Surfing: The Drums


• David Watts: The Kinks


• Stillness Is The Move: Dirty Projectors


• Paperback Writer: The Beatles


• Two Weeks: Grizzly Bear


• Summerboy: Lady GaGa


• And She Was: Talking Heads


• She Wolf (Shakira Cover): Hot Chip


• Dog Days Are Over: Florence and the Machine


• Little Bit: Lykke Li


• I Don’t Want To Know: Fleetwood Mac

Hike up that muu muu, say goodbye to that mani, hold on to that glass of cava and spray those pots inside and out. Careful of drippies and don’t break a sweat! Now, sit down, enjoy yourself, and wait 10 - 15 minutes for that paint to dry. Got a new joke? This might be the best time to try out that new material.



G: Hey, did you hear about those corduroy pillows?

M: No.

G: They’re making headlines everywhere.

(Both throw their heads back in laughter.)



Ok, enough with the jokes. Pick up the brushes, acrylics, and paint your pots. As you can see from the picture, this time is very serious. You might want to use this moment to have a heart-to-heart with a friend and touch base, emotionally speaking. If uncomfortable with this, simply paint your pots in silence.



While Mat goes with a more literal interpretation of the flower designs on the original pots, Guerrin chooses Gaudi-inspired stripes. To do this, she applies acrylic paint diluted in water over loosely adhered painters tape, to achieve a Modernist effect.



Wrap the wire around the pot, just under the lip. Make sure to wind tightly enough so the pot does not slip out. Give the wire a good twist on the backside of the pot. Snip, leaving approximately 6 inches on each end and use the excess to to affix the pot to your balcony railing. Again, wind tight--and remember, nothing is more startling than the sound of crashing ceramics in the middle of the night.



Fill 1/3 of each pot with the potting soil. Carefully remove the plants from their unsightly plastic container and place them in their fancy new ones. Loosely pack in the soil, filling within an inch of the rim. Now welcome your flowers into their new home! For years, smart people and know-it-alls alike have suggested talking to your plants as a means to benefit their growth. Try breakin’ the ice. Here, Guerrin recites the lyrics to “The Rose” by Bette Midler.



G: Finally done!

M: And it only took us 2 hours!

G: Or only one if you knock out the cava and laughing fits.

M: Aaah, I feel like I’m in Sitges again. Only this time fully clothed.

G: Well, your teeny-weeny ‘kini is always welcome on my terrace.

M: Tell that to your neighbors across the way.

Among other fantastical projects, Mat Sanders and Guerrin Gardner have appeared as Sandy the Dandy and Charlie McGee, which was a critics’ pick in Time Out New York, The Onion, and NYTheatre.com. They’re currently developing a multitude of new comedic ventures, including a monthly comedy variety show and a live-action, highly stylized version of the Dick Van Dyke Show. Meet them now at toomuchery.com.

What hangs on your walls?

This pencil drawing hanging in my home is of a girl with an atrocious hairline, a weird ear, clownishly orange hair, and arms that stretch out like those of a T-Rex or Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. Nevertheless, it is my favorite piece of art. And that's because it's a portrait of me circa third grade made by a man named Mr. Grove, who was one of the elderly men from the church my family attended when I was growing up in Alabama.

My mom always called Mr. Grove and his wife "Mr. and Mrs. Butterworth" because they just were: they were small, and sweet, and white-haired, and looked like they could have been teleported right in from a Normal Rockwell-esque painting. They lived in a modest cottage within walking distance from the church, and were the kind of couple younger adults in the congregation like my parents would stop by and check up on every once in a while, just to make sure they were doing okay.

One Saturday, the church hosted an "Adopt a Grandparent Day," which matched the church's kids up with an older person from the congregation so that we could all get to know each other better. And although I was perfectly happy with the two sets of grandparents I already had in real life, I was delighted to adopt Mr. Grove for the afternoon.

Of the many activities planned for the kids and the "grandparents" that day, my favorite was when we were asked to draw portraits of each other. At the time, I fancied myself a fabulous artist--I recently had won second or third place at an art contest at our state fair, after all. This in mind, I soon whipped up what I thought was a perfect interpretation of Mr. Grove and his wonderfully wispy hair.

Mr. Grove, though, took his time. He studied my little face, then took a pencil--not a marker--and started drawing with slightly shaking hands. At first I was confused, and maybe even slightly insulted, to see my form come about like a scribble-y cartoon. (I mean, he had just received a portrait by an award-winning artist!) And as soon as he picked up a dark orange crayon to color in my hair, one thought filled my mousy-brown-covered head: "Um, this old man is either blind, or he is crazy."

But then Mr. Grove told me what he was thinking. "I picked this color because you have hair the color of candy," he said. "Candy-colored hair."

Suddenly I was in love.

Not only did this sweet man take his time to notice little nuances about me--imagine, what I thought was "mousy brown" translated in his mind as a color that was sugar-infused, delicious--but by explaining that the crayon he was using was "candy-colored," he also introduced me to a love for the perfectly picked adjective.

To this day, I remember Mr. Grove's line as the first time I realized that words stirred something in me. It was the beginning of something. And lucky me--I got a piece of art out of it that documents it all.

So that ugly girl up there on the wall? That's me. Suddenly learning that I have wonderful, Mr. Grove-blessed, candy-colored hair.

Natural Wood + Pops of Color

Yum.

Wedge Doorstops by Thorsten Van Elten, Gretel

Wooden Beisteller, Henning-Boegershausen

3 Chefs Kitchen Utensils, Gretel

Canteen Utility Chair by Andre Klauser and Ed Carpenter, liberty.co.uk

Log Bowls, Loyal Loot

Vases, Adonde